I just want to say a big THANK U to everyone who left comments on my last post...Omo you people are just Amazing. I thank God Almighty for your lives and pray that He will continue to bless you in all that you do...Amen!!!
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." - (1 John 4:18)
Ok so Mr has been my shoulder to lean on in the last few months not that he has never been there ooh but I have just been at an all time low and He has been there for me at all times and I am very grateful and Thanks God for bringing him into my life.
So we were having our usual chit chat over the weekend and found ourselves discussing marriage and what it means...or should I saw what we both understand it to and what we expect marriage to be about......yada yada yada....
I actually started off my expressing my feelings about how recent events and experiences in the marriages of close friends is beginning to kill my joy about getting married. there has been so much drama from domestic violence to husbands attempting to commit suicide just because love dont live in their house no more...., husbands attempting to run away with kids because wife is no longer interested in him due to his attitude towards her and the list goes on and on......(NO WORIES I WILL UPDATE WITH DETAILS LATER)
Why do things have to get so complicated and why cant people just sit down and talk and when this happens why cant they just come to a compromise especially when there are kids involved.
And when people say that they have forgiven and forgotten why the hell don't they just keep to their words.
I described marriage as moving on the next level but Mr objected saying that there is no such thing as the next level and claims that women tend to create this fantasy of what marriage life is all about , expecting unrealistic things to happen. And i totally object to that ...my interpretation of the next level is looking forward to spending the rest of my life with the love of my life and starting a new life with him and the wonderful and kids and other blessings that Gods Almighty bestows on us. And of course i have expectations.....who doesn't.....I look forward to romantic get aways with my husband before the kids start pouring in....not to say that i expect that to stop once the babies start pouring in oooh.....lol
But honestly.......I just think that some couples allow the hard times to overshadow the good ones.. i know it is easier said than done but there are people who have been through rough times but have remained married for yonks......
I have a couple of friends who have vowed never to get married just because they have been treated horribly in past relationships and just cant see themselves ever loving or trusting anyone ever again.
To those of you out there who are married... what is the secret to a successful marriage ?
To those who are in relationships and considering moving on to the next step....what are your expectations....., what are you looking forward to the most AND WHAT ARE YOU DREDING?
To those who have vowed not to get into serious relationships due to hurt and pain from past relationships..what will it take for you to let someone love you again......??
Oh and is there such a thing as the next level or is Mr just trying to kill my joy....lol?
Any advice.....Simi Speaks .. thats ur Q oohh oya advice us.... x x x x
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." - (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
29 comments:
"I must say I have do not dread anything whatsoever". That declaration is a miracle considering all the shenenigans I have seen and heard.
I sometimes do wonder sha how I am going to cope with sharing my time with husband and kids...getting more and more clingy to my time alone.
Lol at you saying "omo" you are officially Nigerised.
Happy Easter
what i am dreading the most is that i may get tired of the person and i will want out!!!what also scares me is that what if the guy is really this wicked person but is just pretending now and when we get married he starts abusing me!!!
@ 30 se when i saw "omo"..i was like ahn!ahn! naija girl!
Some people don't believe in LOVE anymore, they claim that word does not really exist, or maybe it exists only as a fantasy in the minds of people.
But I dare to digress and say it exists. Your faith is what will make love applicable in ur life. And yes, u're right...life is not a bed of roses, and so I say we must let the good times overshadow the bad times (speaking to myself as well). In times that are bad, we must sit down, talk about it, and become more than conquerors.
I look towards marriage as a blissful union but also a battle that must be one. What God has brought together, let no man put asunder... This means things are going to arise that will purposefully want to split a marriage into two, but there is such a thing as "overcoming" opposing forces.
Hmmm i dunno, sometimes when i think abt marriage, the things ive seen, heard, read etc, one part of me doesnt feel like getting married n the other part wanna, but right now my dear, that isnt on the top of my list. Maybe when mister perfect appears from the grave or something.. lol but err i guess what i'm dreading most if that one of us may fall outta love, get bored n decide to walk away. Faithfulness is another issue, ive heard and read that married ppl dont necessarily stay faithful or commited to their partner, so am thinking whats d point in getting married if one person wanna mess about? Hmmm but one thing i believe is this, if u end up marrying the right person for u (whatever that is) everything will be ayt *sigh, of course evryone has problems but with the right person (whatever right is again...lol) u'll be able to sort out ur diffeernces n walk out ur problems.
Dang typing this is making me think abt marriage now oh.. arewa i blame u..lol
i feel u. its what my friends keep talking about these days. we know too many people whose marriages r crashing. wives wanting to be free and we wonder if its the same marriage we want. yes oh. simi, please, advice.
but really, no use rushing in, cos it is the rest of your life. some people get bored very quickly.
You don't ask easy questions do you?
I understand where both you and Mr. are coming from. Just before we got married I asked Beloved what she wanted from me, her answer was make me happy. I balked and told her it was not in my power to make her happy. Happiness if it exists is something we must all find and claim for ourselves. I did promise to do my best never to deliberately make her sorrowful. I might do things that caused her sorrow but it would never be my intent. We did and do share some common expectations from our union. The central one is that we are in this thing until one or both of us dies (that we will not kill each other goes without saying). We will look to each other to solve our problems. I have seen enough damage caused by external forces to know that regardless of the original intent, it almost always causes more problems involving family, friends etc. My other cardinal rule is that I NEVER go to bed angry at my wife. Whatever the problem is we will air it before sleeping. There are many more principles that help us through the challenges of life but they serve to reinforce the above. We have also been fortunate enough to have older role models (not our parents) living out the last days of their lives and showing that there is something more to life and relationships than the heat of passion and good looks.
I believe you have both gone through enough that you will find the means within yourself to stay successful together.
so u becoming more nd more nijah chic...lol! nice post...was here >>
ps.nd wld def be back!
Hmm, first of all thank God you updated!
I am married, thanks be to God and I thank God for sending me the man I married. My late grandmother told me when I turned 15 that i was old enough to start praying for the man that would be my husband and the father of my children. I took her advise and 4 years and 3 kids later, all I can say is thanks to God and may he give her extra pepper soup and ice cream (her favorites), lol!
What i have learned is that a husband and wife cannot be mad at each other at the same time. I have also learned that communication is key and one partner must be willing to start a discussion and the other person must be willing to engage. I have also learned that before marriage, couples must TALK about everything in detail From whether you will have joint/separate bank accounts, whether the children will take French lessons and whether your in-laws/family members will spend 2 weeks or 4 weeks at your house at any point in time. Such discussions, seem silly, but force couples to talk about things t hat are otherwise overlooked but can/do cause serious issues later on.
I encourage all women and men to marry a kind person. If you marry a wicked person, do not be surprised if that person eventually turns his/her wicked ways upon you. Also, ...jeez, I am doing a lot of talking here, ain't I? Okay, just for you, Aunty Arewa, i will write a post and put it up on Friday at the Easier blog. I talk about this stuff all the time but have never put it down on paper, so this time I will put it on the world wide web, lol!
Take care!
NIGERIAN CURIOSITY
IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I ONLY HAD ONE...
I tell u say u be true naija babe now, better tell mumsie say there is no turing back, lol omo
I'm emotionally involved with someone but I don't think marriage is something I'm thinking 'bout, it took me awhile to even consider marriage as something that exists. I don't know one single married couple who can say they're truly, really and happily married.
I know it's hard-work and it's not all roses but omo,lol I don't have one positive picture in my head
The idea that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all keeps me going. Somehow, I believe that there is someone out there who can love me past my pain-till death do us part...I guess the handful of happy marriages I've seen, have been strong enough to blot out my fears about it all...
I seek a brother, a friend, a father, a lover, a...lol!
I just want happiness abeg!
I am dreading all the cooking and cleaning marriage involves...I look forward only to the sex becoming official and not a sin :)
marriage? scarry
i am struggling with this now...a friend asked when i wanted to start having children...i replied my adjusted age (i had originally wanted to start at 26...ha!)...he pointed out that the age i had given was in three years...i was taken aback as i am not even seriously dating anyone right now!!!...assuming a two year relationship, maybe a 6mo-1 year engagement, and i'd like to spend a couple years just me and my husband and wow, we're well past the age i gave...and frankly, i can't even say i am ready to not be able to freely scope men when i am out-checked only by my own shyness...be expected to think of someone else's feelings and concerns before making a decision...
...furthermore, and i know i should be careful where i read, but all this talk of men and human beings in general's ability to stay faithful pulls me further over the fence on the side of 'start harem of men'...i think marriage is beautiful and can be if both people are willing to work it out, during the rough times and the good times...so, i dunno...i do look forward to, as afrobabe has mentioned, sex in the morning and evening (i hope he can keep up or wear me out...either one...there had better be regular sex or else, i mean...that's grounds for divorce in my book!!!!...*grumbles to self: 'sitting here trying to be as chaste as possible only to marry a man who no go gree to regular sex...lailai...shei i'll leave...rubbish'*), essentially, whenever i want!!...regular sex is one hell of a motivating factor though...for me at least...
...shei you know you are a naija babe...no doubt o!!!...haha...
...@ the married folks: do you guys have regular sex?...if not, why not?...naapali, ssd, come and answer o!!!...i don't mean to pry, but i am curious...thanks;)...
Mr Announcer - "All RISE... Pls join me in welcoming Dr Mrs Simi Speaks. She is an expert on the intricate matters of all things, Marriage. You will be sure to learn a few things. He has 3 PHDs in marriageology from Harvard, Columbia & Stanford"…..
Audience is clapping furiously.
clap, clap,clap,clap, clap,clap
I walk briskly to the stage looking sharp in my black pantsuit, chignon hairstyle and tiny bifocals. carrying my thick notebook filled with words of wisdom acquired through my several years of marriage. Shoo, Am about to spit some wisdom into these people. WHAT!
SimiSpeaks - Ladies and Gentlemen, I get a sudden, deadly case of stage fright. Marriage is errrrrrr oh crap, the words are not coming out. a .... Sorry, can't do this....
I ran off stage
I can plead the fifth, I can pretend I did not read G. Nigeriana's question, I can send G. Nigeriana a private email.
Which shall I do?
Marriage is fun if its between two people who genuinely love and respect each other.
Things dont necessary have to change as you move from boyfriend/girlfriend to husband/wife. It just need more work cos then its a more permanent arrangement and you cant quit!
lol...i realize how, uh, private the question asked was...i apologize at naapali and ssd and all other married folks...uh, instead, you can just tell me about your married friends' experience...i don't know your friends, they don't know me or that you are using their experience to answer...or, *whispered dejectedly* i can just wait and see my experience...
...please excuse the forwardness of such a question...been in the us too long...
@ 30+: like ur attitude ...ah ah why will sharing time with your husband and kids be a problem....u better check urself ohhhh.....lol
Of course I am officially Nigerised...u think i will piss around after all the stuff i am going thru... i better just enjopy myself and claim what is mine....but charlie I am still omo Ghana ooh....lol
@Pink Satin: Variety is the spice of life...you two need to try and keep the fire alive and the only way to do this is to know what makes both of u tick. As for the bit about him being wicked...it will not happen lie lie.....u just need to make sure that u know this person very well and understand each others needs and wants.God forbide ooh..
@Jaycee: Well said my sisi. I sooo agree with u. x x x
@Sha: I understrand what u r saying about not having any hope because of all that is happening around us(marriages failing)... i use to say the same but it all changed when my MR Right walked into my life and like u said with the right person (whatever right is again...lol) u'll be able to sort out ur diffeernces n walk out ur problems.
Uzezi: I believe that Marriage like life is what you make it...no one is rushing into anything ooh. I am just stating what i have observed.
Naapali: why shld i ask easy questions when we all konow the answers to them....*sticking my tounge out @ u* I love what u said about NEVER going to bed angry at ur wife.....we also have the policy in our relationship and trust me it has helped a lot...thanks for sharing ........UR THE MAN...!!
@ tears: U now what i have picked up all these Naija slangs/words and they keep slipping out time to time.... i dread the day that my mum pisses me off and i release them on her....she will just faint.......lol. Thanks for stopping by and u r always welcome. x x xx x
@solomonsydelle: u see ooh this is why i like u... u tell it like it is..Thanks for the advice....and i will be looking out for the post.
@ Zena: What camn I say.. i have to step up my game.. can u imagine the look on my mum face if i should ever utter a nigerian word/ slang in front of her.....
AH AH MOMSI KILO DEY...FE MI SILEH....lol!!!
@NigerianDramaQueen: Well said hon...''there is someone out there who can love me past my pain-till death do us part''
@ Aphrodite: And happiness is what ur marriage shall bring u by Gods Grace... x x x
@ Afrobabe: lol....i 105% agree with u about the sex thing.. call me a nutter ooh .. but i cant wait !!!
@Eve: Fear not ... god is in control.. just try and see a positive side to marriage and the rest wil fall into place...come on it cant be that bad!!... x x
@ guerreiranigeriana: You are soo right.. i wont even say anymore and oh and as for that bit about the sex .....aww how i long for spending the whole day in bed just getting my groove on....!!...lol.. no mname calling oooh. Why summon Naapali and just chicken out....i also wanted to know the answer to ur question...damn!!!
@ simi speaks: Run away speaker.. report to base!!!
@princesa: u TELL THEM HON...all the negativity sourrounding the issue of marriage isnt healthy.
I sure dread a lot of things about marriage... The thinking in terms of "us" rather than "me", the apparent loss of independence, the compromising that never seems to stop... Then I also picture the not being able to share a good laugh over a good private joke between "us", the building of a life with someone (financially, emotionally, spiritually even), the on-hand, forever available sex (I know I had to throw this in there...lol!)... The second set tends to beat the first...
My mindset changed about a year or so ago... I was the ultra-independent girl who was doing things by and for herself and having fun in the process... until I got tired of fighting alone.
I don't have different expectations of marriage... I believe if our relationship, our bond is strong and healthy and it makes us want to even move in that direction, I should only hope it remains the same... The only added plus of marriage is that we are willing to proclaim our love from the rooftops...
I do agree with Mr., that oftentimes people will see marriage as a cure for an already flawed relationship... Well, it's not.
You seem to have a very nice Mr... so I am sure you'll be fine!
:)
i didn't chicken out!...haha...i just gave another option...i realized, in hindsight, that the question was touching on a very private topic...especially since i have this expectation of daily sex, which i know is not necessarily realistic (although i have heard that calabar dudes are pretty randy...my mom may get her wish of me marrying from my dad's area afterall;)) and may set up this whole thing where if daily sex is not happening, that something must be wrong...which is not always the case...
...i see some jodeci on your playlist...definitely, definitely, a good look there...i'm sure you and mr. will be fine...just play lots of jodeci:)...once afrobabe and i finish the naija version of 't-shirts and panties', you can use that to seduce your mr. into missing work and staying bed with you all day long:)...i'd say we could fine some ghana girls to help us do a twi version, but, you're naija anyway;)...
Hey girl! how na? ok, am back. :-)
my few cents -
Communication is extremely vital!! Doesnt matter if it hurts. Keep that com. line open.
Pray. U have to develop a habit of praying. Preferably together. HE makes all things possible...
Protect ur marriage - Both of u should learn to keep people out. People such as family and friends. Both (not one) should hve strong backbones to wane them off!
Friendship - u have to develop a solid and deep friendship. spend time laughing and simply talking. it goes a long way, luv!
Mayn...I dunno..speakin of couples that have been through alot of ish and r still together, its ma parents, they've been together since they were a lil over 17 and they are both 50 this year and they been through (please forgive ma swahili) shit...ma pops cheated like thrice...she tried to leave thrice, almost left the third...and that was jus one of many obstacles...
@ ms sula: I feel u on the loss of independence thing ooh but I guess it will take a while to get used to doing things the us way instead of the me way.....oh and as for the ever available sex dont go there.. im soo on it....lol
@guerreiranigeriana : lol... u and afrobabe better hurry up ooh cus this chick is on a mission..I will see what i cando about the Twi versin .... x x x
@simi speaks: so u came back to give u speech ....well said hon.. i knew u were only fronting....thanks for the advise
@Charizard: Its no easy ohh. Ur momsi try well well, to have been able to make things work. God help us.
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